regrets.

20 09 2011

I’m sure I’m not the only person who lives with the regrets of things that they didn’t do.  I have lots, some are mundane – like I totally shouldn’t have had that 3rd cup of coffee today, some are a little less mundane – I wish I would have scheduled 3 month pictures for Tucker with McManigal Photography he changed SOOO much from his newborn to his 6 month pictures, and then there are some that I beat myself up for and tear up when I think about them.  I have 2 that are the biggest regrets that I have.

1. Missing my Grandpa’s last birthday here on earth.  I had started the worst job ever, not that long before his birthday party, and the feeling of commitment to my responsibilities was overwhelming…it’s what my dad had taught me, and calling in sick when I wasn’t just didn’t seem right.  There’s always next year.  I’ll see grandpa soon.  My grandpa got very sick very fast and a few weeks after this birthday party he died.  I live with the regret that I missed that party.  I vowed that I wouldn’t put work before my family again and when I had a gut feeling that I should be somewhere I would be there.  My grandpa is a great man, he built a successful business with my dad.  Because of him and his dedication and commitment to his son and work ethics, my dad and mom provided a life for my brother sister and I where needed for nothing.  I will live with that regret forever, and even though my family has said that there is no way I could have known, that doesn’t soften the blow of what I missed.

2.  Thinking that going to Owen’s funeral would be too impersonal because I had never met Owen or any of his family…I along with 26,000 others met them through a blog.  I remember June 1st, 2011 vividly.  Again I went back and forth about leaving work early to attend the service for a little boy who I read about who’s mom invited everyone who read his story to come pay their respects, cry a little, and join forces for Owen’s last earthly warrior battle.  Years ago when I missed grandpa’s birthday I vowed to listen to my gut, but yet again I didn’t.  I had one article of orange clothing in my wardrobe it was a scarf that Kristin bought for me, I wore black with a bright orange scarf and dressed Tucker in an orange polo, jeans, and orange socks.  We took our picture and posted it on the Orange For Owen website.  I thought that would be enough to satisfy the voice in my head saying Go…the tears you have shed for this little stranger are worthy of your presence there – even if it’s only for you go!  I quieted the voice and trudged on through my day doing the daily tasks that my job requires.  This weekend I met another blogger – a blogger who has written beautiful words about Owen, and he too didn’t know Owen or Mel but he did have an actual tie to the family, his SIL is one of Mel’s good good friends.  His words touched my heart and tweeked at my 2nd major regret.  I am now good friends with Mel and adore her family, when we were making cake pops the story of Owen’s funeral was told, my Mel and her mom, how the music was chosen, the bagpiper, how Doug carried Owen’s casket for his final earthly march, and how the entire church was one giant sea of OWENGE.  I should have been there, I should have listened to my gut – it was God trying to nudge me to go – my mind wasn’t open to hearing his words, but I don’t think he could have yelled any louder at me.  When Mel, the boys and her parents were at my parents house they were telling how Logan and Weston just seemed to suddenly realize that they were there and when Owen was in the hospital began needing to touching each other, my mom asked if I met Mel at the funeral, and I sheepishly said no, I wasn’t there. Immediately went into excuse mode, then realized that I did that because I was embarrassed and didn’t want Mel to know that I wasn’t there.  I wish that I would have had the courage to go, to show Mel that back then when I didn’t know her I cared, Owen’s story struck me and I wanted them to know I’d continue to spread his story.  I am, I tell his story and have helped to create celebrations of his life, but at the end of some days that feels like a band aid.  I know it has been great days for me and them, but I wish I would have been there that day.

I suppose that I should give thanks that my regrets aren’t that I had indiscretions in my marriage, or that I am an addict, I stole, I  embezzled, I cheated, I beat my child, or that I am doing things that would make the ones I love loose respect for me, it’s just things that I know I SHOULD have done that have really only effected me.  I’m only 29 and I am sure that there will be more regrets in my life, but I hope that they fall into the mundane to a little less mundane category.  I have learned that little voice in my head paired with that feeling in my gut knows what it’s talking about.  I’m gonna listen a little closer, it my be the voice of God taking time to tell me something I may not know.

Dear Tucker,
 
It’s inevitable that we all have regrets in our lives.  I pray that the regrets that you face will make you a stronger person and do not hurt the ones that you love.  I vow to do all I can do to raise you as the responsible, honorable, strong and compassionate man I know you can be.  Please do not beat yourself up for your regrets, learn from them and listen to the voice in your head and the obey the feeling in your gut.  It’s a powerful guide for each of us.  Love your God, your family, and friends and live each day like it could be your last and maybe you won’t have as many regrets as I do.  I love you – my favorite blessing. 
 
mom
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2 responses

20 09 2011
Terry Love

very good blog, great description of the faulty human mind, only we humans feel regret..

20 09 2011
Skittles (@Skittles_______)

Great post today I really enjoyed reading it. Have a great day with your family.

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